Author: Shikha Sarkar

AM I DOING ENOUGH FOR MY CHILD? PARENTAL GUILT!

Mindful parenting
Posted on by Shikha Sarkar

It’s never enough

I am a mother of a 16-month-old child and already I suffer from serious pangs of guilt. Always feeling like I don’t do enough for her. Why is spending sleepless nights, cleaning up faint-worthy poo, dealing with tantrum, worrying endlessly over a sick child, running around your child all day, not enough. Why? mother and child

Source: https://www.versame.com/

Before I became a mom, my question to myself was, “Will I be a good mom?” And now that I am a mom, it’s changed to, “Am I a good mom?”

“Am I doing enough?”

Why do I spend nights wetting my pillow over this question? Spend days stressing out, feeling I’m a terrible mom!

Why is it that everything we do for our child not enough in our own eyes? Why am I feeling guilty that I am sitting down and writing this while I could be with my child, who by the way is very happy in the arms of my helper. Oh yes! I feel guilty about that too.

Could guilt make us better parents?

A research team led at Case Western Reserve University found that guilt strengthens social bonds and attachments (Psychological Bulletin, vol.115, No. 2). So, what they are saying is, I need guilt to feel a bond with my child! Really!

Parental guilt for not doing enough for child

Source:http://www.myhealthylivingcoach.com/

My niece blames my sister that she can’t be an accomplished dancer because my sister did not send her to dance lessons at a young age. She is all of 13! So, had my cousin put her in classes earlier, would my niece have become a dancer. The answer we would never know.

We grew up in the times when putting food on the table and sending your kids to school was enough. Do our parents feel guilty about the way they brought us up? Absolutely not! On the contrary, they are proud of their upbringing because they did what they could do best. And the onus was on us to make the best of the opportunities we got.

Child Blames – We Guilt

As a matter of fact, our kids today are growing up in a whole new environment. A world of awareness and endless opportunities. 5 year old kids who can do calculus, 10 years olds solving Rubik’s cube in less than 10 secs, 3 year old child performing aerial acrobats! Have you seen some of those kids in talent shows? Knowingly or unknowingly all of this is putting so much pressure of us.

child prodigy

Source: http://www.todaysparent.com/

Of course, growing up, as I watched accomplished sports people and performers, I wished my parents worked harder on me. So I could be that person. I blamed them for my non-accomplishments. But today as a responsible adult and a parent, I couldn’t agree less. If I had the potential and the drive, I could have become that person. And knowing my parents, they would have done everything they could, to encourage and help me get there.

So, today if my niece is genuinely determined and works hard, she can still become an accomplished dancer. And this is the message my sister needs to give her daughter. Perhaps even give her real-life examples of exemplary dancers who started their training at a much later stage in life. So my niece can no longer use this as an excuse and move her butt, literary.

It’s got to stop!

Now I am certainly not saying, we parents should not take our kids for swimming lessons, or help them out on their science project or go with them for their soccer practice. We absolutely need to do spend the right amount of time and effort with our children. As a matter of fact, we should be providing them with tools and encouragement to become better human beings. Yet, we need to strike a balance. We need to know where to draw the line. How much is enough.

parents and child

Source: www.forbes.com/

Let us not bring up a generation of over-privileged kids who relinquish their responsibilities towards their own destiny. Instead, let us learn from the previous generation who had confidence in their parenthood. We turned out alright, didn’t we?

Final Words……

Now get over yourself and remember you are doing the best you can, for your child. And it is up to them to take what they get and make the best of it too. So, give yourself a pat on the back and pop open the champagne for doing an exemplary job!

parents drinking champagne

As for the kids…… get them to bring you cheese and crackers to go with it.

Author Bio:

author photo

Neera Gupta, is a published author and runs an  event management company. She has lived in more than 10 countries and recently moved to Hong Kong with her husb and, 15 month old daughter and two dogs. She frequently gives talks on art of networking and supports  expat communities locally.

AM I A HOARDER? BECAUSE I HOLD ON TO MEMORIES

Posted on by Shikha Sarkar

Hi, My name is Neera Gupta and I am a hoarder. (Applause)

They say first step to fixing yourself is to admit you have a problem. So there you go….I have admitted it. I am a hoarder.

But I have a question….

Does holding on to memories make me a hoarder?

I don’t hoard because I have issues letting go…..I “keep” things because I have memories attached to them. Like that smelly headless limbless teddy that my dog JD wouldn’t let go off when he first arrived in our house. It has multiple stitches from all the repair work we did to keep him alive! All of those remind me of the wonderful times we had with our first born (as I like to call him).

And that coffee mug set (fine…..only 1 remains from a  set of 4) my best friend gave us for Christmas 10 years ago. It is my way of remembering how we celebrated all occasions and festivals together. Because today, our friendship is only about wishing each other on WhatsApp. Yet I miss her dearly.

We all have those comfy, soft, (now very lose) pajama set which we can’t even remember when we bought. Yet there are so many memories attached to them….slumber party with girlfriends, break up with a boyfriend, sleeping cuddled up with mommy, waking up to Christmas presents and believing in Santa way past adolescence. My favourite memory is of it being passed down from the oldest kid in the family, going through all the cousins and finally reaching me 12 may be 13 years later. I can clearly remember each one of them wearing it at some point or the other. And this wasn’t because we were poor, but because there was so much love and affection and the feeling of togetherness.

I also keep things because I know I can use them later like gift bags & boxes. And it’s not just the money I save but mostly the time and effort of going out to buy a bag or box every time I have to give a gift to someone.

Collector or Hoarder?

So how would you differentiate between collecting and hoarding? Perhaps, if you are keeping things like plastic bags, rags, magazines, non-functional hair dryer, flyers, carton boxes which have no real value or memory attached to it, would that be considered as hoarding? The truth is, people who hoard, believe the item will be useful or valuable in the future. Or for them the object has a sentimental value and may consider an item as a reminder, without which they won’t remember an important person or events in their life.

So, is the headless limbless teddy, the coffee mug, the pajama set, gift bag and boxes, items I have hoarded?

If you are poor, you are a hoarder. If you are rich you are a collector

Copyright: Andy Singer

 

Am I a hoarder???

NO!!!!

Because unlike a hoarder, I am not embarrassed about the things I keep. I am not uncomfortable when people see them. In fact, I display them or talk about them with utmost pride and joy. I do not live in a clutter or a mess. I have proper space where I keep all my things and organize them well.

For example, I have a memory box to keep memorabilia for my daughter like her first outfit, her first airplane boarding pass, her hospital tag. I have a separate box for my dogs and for us. Time to time I take them out and remember the beautiful memories we all shared. Things that I am still using I keep them in my cupboard along with the other items. I also have one shelf dedicated for gift wrappers, ribbon, boxes and bags. This way all the things are kept neatly in one place and I have no issues finding them when I need to.

Perfectly good items that are of no use to me like my daughter’s baby clothes, toys, books etc I pass them to my friends or donate to charities. Those that are beyond reuse, repair or recycle end up in the bin. Sometimes I even try my h and at some DIY art and craft to give new life to old items. And yes, every time I have had to move homes (which has been 15 times in last 17 years)…..I have let go of many valuable possessions but certainly not the memories associated with them.

Hoarder or collector- old cup, baby clothes, headless teddy, boarding pass and hospital tagFinally….. 

If you are unsure about yourself, seek help. Talk to a professional or reach out to a friend. We all are eccentric in some way or the other but that’s what makes us unique. And the story about those broken sunglasses I have kept….well that’s only going down with me 🙂

 

Author Bio:

Neera Gupta, is a published author and runs an event management company. She has lived in more than 10 countries and recently moved to Hong Kong with her husb and, 15 month old daughter and two dogs. She frequently gives talks on art of networking and supports expat communities locally.

 

 

RELOCATION TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY- RIGHT FOR YOU?

relocation is it right for you?
Posted on by Shikha Sarkar

Relocation to a different country is never easy…..ask me, I have relocated 10 times through 7 countries in the last 16 years! It’s not the actual move that’s so hard but it’s taking that decision. Those sleepless nights, dazed mornings, spending countless hours gripped by this fear of getting it wrong. Hoping you’ll wake up one morning and have the right answer in front of you!

The decision is somewhat simpler if you are single but when you have a partner it starts to get complicated. To that, add kids and pets, now you are talking about a whole new dimension. When my to-be-husb and (at the time) first relocated, it was all very exciting and his only fear was not being able to underst and the Aussie sense of humour. But when the time came for me to relocate, the conversation was very different. Now we were discussing my job, cost of living and how will we make friends.

AFTER THE 3rd RELOCATION….WE GOT PRETTY GOOD AT IT OR SO WE THOUGHT!

As we started to make a habit out of relocation, we got more organised. We made a list of pros and cons, we also conducted extensive research on housing, safety, public transport, sports facilities….basically things that affected our day to day life. We spoke with people living in that country (locals and expats), we made excel spreadsheet of costs of moving, living etc. in the new city. Thanks to company’s relocation policies we even got the opportunity to go on a look-see/familiarity trip to that city to gauge what it would be like to live there. Yet we were always unsure about our decision and whilst we made the best of every relocation, we did get it wrong sometimes.

TO RELOCATE OR NOT TO…THAT IS THE QUESTION (ANSWERED)!!! 

In most cases the reason for relocation is linked to our jobs or for a better quality of life. But these are not independent of each other. It’s not sustainable to live in a city you hate because you have a good job. Similarly, you can’t live in your dream city and have a crap job. Yes, there will always be certain adjustments to be made wherever you live. This is rather true for your home town too. It’s just that we don’t think of it like that because we don’t need to.

The easiest way to know is by simply taking the decision to relocate. If you love it, then the decision is probably right and if you hate it….then you have your answer too. Now if you got it right then high five but if you got it wrong then it’s an inconvenient way of finding out. Ok…don’t take your gun out at me yet. Having relocated so many times and resorting to rather different ways of figuring out if we were or are right, I have finally formulated a simple methodology to help make that crucial decision. Here’s what you need to do:

3 STEPS TO KNOW IF RELOCATION IS RIGHT FOR YOU

STEP 1:

List out your top 5 priorities in life, in a descending order. The first being the highest priority and the last one the least of the top 5. These will differ if you are relocating as an individual or as a family. And these will keep changing as you move from different phases in your life. So just list them out for today. For e.g. this is your list:

  1. My Job
  2. Day to day convenience
  3. Kid’s schooling
  4. Partner’s job
  5. Social

STEP 2:

Now think about how your current city/situation rates against these priorities. Then put a score against each from 1 to 5; 5 being the best and 1 being the least. It’s always much easier to score the place you live in currently because you know all the parameters well. Scoring for the new country can be harder especially since you haven’t lived there before. Therefore, in order to score these, you will have to rely on your research and talking to people who have moved there preferably from your current country. Here’s an example where I have compared my current city with two other choices

Priority

Current City 1

City 2

1

 My Job

3

 4

3.5

2

 Day to day convenience

2

 5

3

3

 Kid’s schooling

3

 5

5

4

 Partner’s job

2

 4

2

5

 Social

2

 4

3

STEP 3:

The next step is to divide each score by the priority ranking. So you would divide the scores in 1st row by 1 for first priority. The scores in 2nd row by 2 for second priority and so on. And here’s what you would get for the example cited above:

 

Priority

Current

City 1

City 2

1

 My Job

3

 4

3.5

2

 Day to day convenience

1

 2.5

1.5

3

 Kid’s schooling

1

 1.6

1.6

4

 Partner’s job

0.5

 1

0.5

5

 Social

0.4

 0.8

0.6
TOTAL

5.9

9.9

7.7

The total score you see for each city tells you which city scores the best for what’s important in your life. If you wanted to, you could add more priorities but personally I feel top 5 is what you should be looking at.

This of course is not a fool proof method. But still worth considering.

ANOTHER IMPORTANT FACTOR TO CONSIDER- INTUITION 

With so many relocations under our built, we eventually realised that every single time we had already made the decision in our head way before we resorted to any of the items above. And what we were doing, was simply using these to validate that decision.

Honestly think about it! How often has your decision changed from when you were first given the opportunity for relocation?

6 years ago, when we were living in Hong Kong, we had an opportunity to either relocated back to Sydney or go to Singapore. After endless days of discussions and finally exhausting all means of taking a decision we resorted to writing the name of the cities on two pieces of paper and drawing out the name. We started with best of 3 then best of 5 and finally best of 7. Reason being, every time we drew out, Sydney was the winner. Yet we kept going till we got Singapore because that’s where we wanted to move. And so we did!

Intuitions are not baseless thoughts or something a higher power is telling us. Our intuition or as we often say gut feelings come from past experiences, our knowledge and probably our inner feelings about certain things and situations. So, it’s not wrong to listen to our intuition because there is a strong reason for feeling what we feel. Unfortunately, I don’t have a scoring system for that. But I can say we some certainty, the scores we put in the above table do reflect our intuition.

FINAL WORDS OF WISDOM

After all this we can still go wrong! And the best way to combat this and trust me, I say it with outmost experience, is to have a two-year plan if you decide to relocate. Having a two-year plan gives you the comfort of going back or elsewhere if things don’t shape up. You also feel less pressure to make things work. Perhaps some times it may leave you complacent, but more often it will encourage you to make the best out of the situation. So after two years if things are looking up, you may decide to stay on but if not, you have the option of changing it.

Finally, do bear in mind you need to be patient and have a positive outlook whatever your decision is.

Wishing you good luck and a happy relocation!!!

 

Author Bio: 

neera-1

Neera Gupta, is a published author and runs an  event management company. She has lived in more than 10 countries and recently moved to Hong Kong with her husb and, 15 month old daughter and two dogs. She frequently delivers talks on art of networking and supports expat communities locally.

NETWORKING TIPS – 10 EASY STEPS TO BECOMING A CHAMPION NETWORKER

Posted on by Shikha Sarkar

Do you cringe when you hear the word networking?

Have you ever walked into a room full of strangers and not know what to do?

Do you end up talking to the same set of people you know when you are out in a group?

Do you feel if you speak with someone new they may not be interested in you?

Would you rather wait for someone to come up to you than introduce yourself first?

If you have answered yes to one or more, then you are missing out on a huge opportunity to meet new and interesting people and building you network.

Networking is the single most powerful tool to achieve success in today’s day and age. It is about making connections and building mutually beneficial relationships with people to exp and your sphere of influence. Networking doesn’t mean asking someone for a job or a date. It is about generating an interest in the other person’s mind as to why they should pay attention to you and be willing to share information or advice.

You may have different reasons to want to network and whom to network with and what you want to achieve from it. But how you go about doing it, is what will set you apart from everyone else on this journey. So here are my:

10 Easy Steps to becoming a Champion Networker… ….

Step 1: Personal Grooming

You don’t need to wear designer clothes or accessories to impress others but you must dress well and look your best for the occasion. Choose your look based on the event you are attending whether it’s smart casual, semi formal or a black tie occasion. Make sure you are well groomed and smell good. According to  Denis e Ng, of  Imago Image, complement your skills and abilities with a  professional persona. She says it’s important to br and yourself because in real life, impressions do count. But always remember, for others to like you, you must first like yourself. Having a positive attitude towards oneself helps boost confidence and how others may perceive you.

Step 2: Prep Work

This step is as important as what you do at an actual event. This involves researching on people/industry/external affairs or any topic pertaining to the event you are attending. Also prepare a 30 second speech about yourself, which is a summary of your achievements to date and the goals that you have planned for the future. Practice and rehearse your introduction and conversation topics. Choose appropriate attire/accessories. And give yourself plenty to time to get ready.

Step 3: Scanning and approaching the right person/s

Before you enter the gathering pay a visit to the restroom for last minute touch ups. Look in the mirror and adjust your posture. Walk out with confidence and a smile on your face. When you walk in, quickly but subtly scan the room. Find the person or persons you may want to start with. Make the approach. Am anda Haddaway author of   Interviewer Success: Become a great interviewer in less than one hour suggests st anding near the door as people have a greater tendency to remember the first and last people they meet.

Step 4: Starting a conversation

If you are meeting a person st anding alone, bring your h and out for a h andshake and introduce yourself. If you are approaching a group, find a gap between the conversation before making your introduction. Pay attention to what everyone is talking about and remember the names. Have some conversation starters ready which can be especially useful when there is an awkward silence.

Step 5: Taking the next step

If you have had a successful conversation with someone, do not hesitate to make the next step. Offer your business card and ask for their details. Suggest a one on one catch up. And if you are comfortable then you may even fix the next meeting. Make sure you offer something of value to them as well. Darrah Brustein founder of  Network Under 40 says if you’re asking great questions and considering how you can help others, you’ll naturally start to draw connections between who you are talking to  and others in your network. Offer to make these connections!

Step 6: Exiting a conversation

Do not stay with the same person for too long unless that meets your objective but be mindful it may not meet theirs. Find a gap in the conversation and make a polite exit. You may suggest the next steps if necessary or shake h ands and wish them a pleasurable evening. And walk over to the next group or person.


Step 7: Post Session Follow Up

Post the networking session you can follow up with an email with a short note. Make sure you reference the event and follow up on anything you may have discussed. You can also suggest a formal meeting or a causal catch up based on your conversation at the event. You may also connect via professional social media. If you do not receive a response it is OK for you to send a second email after a week.

Step 8: Pre Work for second meeting

Once you manage to set up a meeting you should book the right venue to meet and inform your guest. You may choose to meet at yours or their office or meet at a neutral location such as a bar or a restaurant. But make sure it’s not too noisy as it will be difficult to hear each other. It is also important you practice your content and be clear on what outcome you want to achieve. Again pay attention to grooming (per step 1).

Step 9: Second Meeting

Always make sure you arrive before time but not too much. Follow the instructions from Step 3 with last minute touch ups, confident posture and smile. Greet your guest and make polite conversation before you get into deeper/meaningful conversation. Strike a balance between talking and listening. Be concious of time. Agree upon next steps before end of the meeting.

Step 10: Continued Efforts & Success

Continue to building your network by attending events and being ready whenever you meet someone, as opportunities can arise anywhere. Practice & rehearse your content and bring upon improvement. Develop varied interests. Keep in touch with the people you meet and follow up as required.

Final Words of Wisdom

In order to get the best outcome, learn to get rid of fear and keep a positive mindset. As Devora Zack of  CEO Only Connect Consulting  and author of Networking for People Who Hate Networking, says ‘Be true to yourself because you are better qualified to be you than anyone else. Remember that everyone is at a networking event to get to know a new person. Do not think of it as a task. Try to have fun and be ready to grow your network.

 

Author Bio:

Neera Gupta, is a published author and runs an  event management company. She has lived in more than 10 countries and recently moved to Hong Kong with her husb and, 15 month old daughter and two dogs. She frequently gives talks on art of networking and supports  expat communities locally.